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The
ultimate test of our EQ may be in the way we create and handle anger.
Do we use it in productive or counter-productive ways? Does
your anger lengthen or shorten your life? Here are some of my
thoughts on anger and it's roots.
Overview of Anger
There are several important
things about anger worth considering:
1. Anger is a powerful survival tool
2. Anger is a response to "pain" (physical or psychological)
3. Anger is a powerful source of energy
4. Anger is a secondary emotion
5. In anger mode the brain downshifts to a lower evolutionary
level
6. Prolonged anger is unhealthy
7. Repressed anger is also unhealthy
Nature has developed the
emotional state we call "anger" to help us stay alive. Anger
sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight or
flee.
It energizes us to prepare us for action. Millions of
years ago we were threatened by wild animals who wanted to eat
us. Today, we more often feel threatened by other human beings
on a psychologically or physically basis.
When we feel energized by anger,
we might ask ourselves how we put this energy to the most
productive use. As with the use of other forms of energy such
as electricity or oil, we might want to use it more efficiently,
and not wastefully or destructively.
Primary vs. Secondary Feelings
Perhaps the most helpful thing to
remember about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. A
primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel
angry. Anger is typically in response to a personal
judgment. We always feel something else first. One might first
feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced,
controlled, trapped, interrogated, or pressured. If any of
these feelings are intense enough, we think/experience the emotion as
anger.
Generally speaking, secondary
feelings do not identify the unmet emotional need (UEN). When
all I can say is "I feel angry," neither I, nor any one else,
knows what would help me feel better. A helpful technique,
then, is to always identify the primary emotion.
Assume
somebody wants you to do something you would prefer not to do. At first
you may feel a little pressured, but not enough to get angry. When
they keep pushing, you may create irritation.
If they
continue, you may get "angry". Such anger damages often
relationships. One suggestion on how to avoid getting angry in
this case would be to express your initial feeling by saying
"I feel pressured", before the feeling has escalated to the
point of destructive anger. If the person respects your
feelings and does not invalidate
them, they may stop their pressure and you can stop creating
your anger.
Even if they do not stop the pressure, I
believe it is helpful to know what the specific feeling is
that you are experiencing.
Knowing exactly how you feel with others, and why you are
feeling this way, helps you in
several ways.
First it raises your self-awareness in general.
Second, it helps you communicate more precisely. Third, it
helps you learn more quickly who respects your feelings and who
you want to spend time with.
Anger as a Response to Fear
One of the primitive functions of
an animal's response to fear is to frighten away the attacker.
But in modern human life, we often frighten away those who we
need and care about most. Besides this, prolonged anger has
clear health consequences. According to Dr. Herbert Benson,
these include heart attacks, hardening of the arteries,
strokes, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart rate changes
and metabolism, muscle and respiratory problems. (The
Relaxation Response, 1975)
Responding To and Learning From
Anger
Anger is an intense emotion. It
is evidence that we feel strongly about something. As with
every emotion, it has a lesson for us. It can teach us what we
value, what we need, what we lack, what we believe and what
our insecurities are. It can help us become more aware of what
we feel strongly about and which emotional needs are important
to us. One way to learn from anger is shown in the example
below:
Instead of saying,
She never should have done
that. I can't believe how irresponsible, insensitive and
inconsiderate she is. What a cold- hearted, evil witch she
is.
a more productive response is:
I am really upset by this.
Why does it bother me so much? What specifically am I
feeling? What are my primary feelings? What need do I have
that is not being met? What principles of mine have been
violated?
From the answers to these
questions, we can decide what course of action to take in view
of what our goals are. Simply being aware that we have
multiple options and that we can decide to pick the best one
helps soothe the anger. It may help, for instance, to ask if
we really want to frighten away the person we are angry at. As
soon as we "upshift" and begin to think about our options and
their consequences, and make appropriate plans, we start to
feel more in control and less threatened. We get out of the
automatic stimulus-response mode and realize that we have
choices.
I heard something very
interesting once about stimulus and response. It went
something like this:
For humans, there is a
small space between stimulus and response, and in this
space lies the power to make choices that will determine
the course of our lives.
It may be helpful for us to try
to widen this space over our lives, and in fact this may be
one of the signs of wisdom and maturity. It may give us an
increased sense of control
Simply remembering that we have a
choice helps us feel more in control. I have found it helpful,
for example, to identify when I am feeling provoked. Once I
realize this I feel more in control of my response. Not
surprisingly, studies show that people feel better and are
healthier when they have a sense of control over their lives.
This is where the balance between upper brain and lower brain
comes in. High EQ suggests that we channel our anger in
productive ways to help us achieve our goals rather than to
sabotage them. Keeping our goals clearly in mind at all times
helps us accomplish this.
Here are some suggestions for
responding to your anger:
1. Ask what you are afraid of.
2. Ask what feelings preceded the anger.
3. Ask what other feelings you are feeling.
4. Ask what you are trying to control.
5. Ask what you can control.
6. Consider your options.
7. Choose the one which will bring you the most long term
happiness.
Finally, here is a technique I
sometimes use to help me cope with "anger" (if I haven't
already "downshifted" to a purely reactive animal instinct
state). When I catch myself starting to say "I feel angry" or
"I am starting to get really pissed off," I say instead, "I
feel really energized." Then I ask myself how I want to
channel my energy to its best use. It is a simple little
technique, but sometimes it has made a big difference in how I
feel and how I respond.
Source :
www.eqi.org
- Steve Hein
Namaste'
Your Head Alchemist & Team
Building Coach -
Tony Dovale - Life Masters 2004
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